When Zombies Drive

I never believed in zombies. Not until recently. The idea of the living dead, stumbling around never seemed believable – or even very scary. After all, of all the monsters and strange creatures of the night these lurching, half-dead creatures seem the least of the worries. Vampires are practically indestructible and have super powers beyond humans – speed, strength and, per some stories, incredible persuasiveness. Witches have magic spells, wands and flying broomsticks; werewolves are incredibly fast with deadly bites; ghosts can travel through walls and demons bring hell to earth. Zombies, however, just stagger along, shuffling pathetically after would-be victims.

What is scary is that I’ve noticed so many real-life zombies all around. These living dead are everywhere. Most annoying is when they drive. The driving-dead choke up the roads and create so much impatience that the living are in danger of losing their minds out of frustration.

Beware when zombies drive - nothing is safe!

First, let me say that I am passionate about driving. One of my favorite roles as a police officer was being a driving instructor. Pushing a car to its limits, slicing through slaloms and reversing down long curvy paths of cones was a true pleasure. Even on the roads, it is a passion to get from point A to B with as little waste of effort as possible.

Sadly, the roads are full of these brain-dead zombie drivers. They are easy to spot. Zombies are the drivers sitting at intersections long after the light turned to green. Zombies cannot negotiate simple curves without senseless weaving or braking through the turn and never follow the right line or hit the apex of the turn. Some drive in a straight line while tapping their brake pedal constantly (mechanics must love those customers). Worse, are the zombies that stop at the end of an acceleration lane, causing everyone behind to come to a screeching halt and making it impossible to merge onto the highway – the whole purpose of an acceleration lane!

Of course, the very worse zombie drivers are those that spin along in the left lanes, 20 mph below the speed limit, while their limited motor skills seem to make it completely impossible to pull over to a slower lane to let living drivers pass.

If the driving doesn’t give it away, the drivers themselves may. They are often clutching the steering wheel with two hands in a death grip (appropriate for a zombie), bent forward, peering intently with a dead zombie gaze at the blank road ahead. They are often seen in small ugly sedans with tiny engines and bumper stickers espousing hope for politicians who will save them from their own insecurities. There are even those normally living drivers who become zombies when they attach Bluetooth devices to their heads, sucking their brains dry. Or worse, those texting away their thinking abilities – the one thing that separates the living from zombies – and draining away their ability to drive.

So beware! Zombies do exist and are all around. Even on the road in the car in front of you.

 

Eric Smith, CPP is the leading authority on organizational self-defense. He has extensive experience in law enforcement as well as security management. Eric is available for staff education and security awareness training as well as business coaching to help organizations provide safe workplaces. To learn more email eric@businesskarate.com.

 

 

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